We’re a generous couple you know, we do things so that you don’t have to. And what’s more we tell you about it so you know what not to do. Take these things that you don’t have to do because we’ve done them for you.
1 Little cartons of juice. You know, the ones with the straw in the plastic bag attached to the top that you fight to open. You don’t have to blow down the straw into the carton, and blow and blow and blow and then take the straw away from your mouth so that a fountain of juice goes all down your front. Just drink it like the grown up you are.
2 French multi storey car parks. Don’t assume that just because you can get into the car park with your van with a roof rack on top that you will be able to get out again. Don’t go up the ramp that says 1.55m (5 feet)height limit at the top so that you have to reverse all the way down again. And don’t assume when you try to go down instead that just because there’s no notice to say that the concrete beam is also too low for you to get under that you can do so without doing a lot of damage to your roof rack. Then you won’t have to finally creep out the way you came in, come to a roundabout and have your roof rack fall off into the road for another van to run over and crunch up. You also won’t then have to leave your roof rack on the side of the road because you can’t tie it to the roof (nothing to tie it to) and you can’t put it inside because it’s the whole length of the van. Just take the car instead.
3 Wells, pumps and water butts. When you fill up your 1000 litre (220 gallon) water-butt from the well, so that you can water your precious veggies, always remember to take the hose pipe out as soon as you turn the pump off. Otherwise, when you come back later, you will find that the water-butt is completely dry. The tap will be closed, no sign of leakage anywhere. You will then come to the conclusion that when you turned the pump off the water simply siphoned back into the well down the hose pipe and through the pump.
See? Now you know what not to do. Conversely, here are some things you should do.
1 If you have a box hedge that divides the garden in two, you should cut a hole in the middle so that you can get from one bit of garden to the other more easily, and also because then a hare can come and sit in the gap …….
and chew his feet …….
And finally, don’t bother waiting for the partridge to come and sit in your pear tree, he won’t, ever. Just get a holly instead so that a pigeon can come and sit in it.
See what a lot you have learned today!